Insecurities

I've always thought of myself as pretty self confident in my looks, I've never worried about how others view my appearance. It's not that I thought I was beautiful or drop dead gorgeous, it was just that I didn't care that others felt I wasn't, lol. I change my hair color every couple weeks or so, I use odd colors like pink or blue, I walk around with no teeth....I don't wear trampy clothing, but I really hate to be constricted so I do wear cleavage revealing tops a lot even tho I am overweight...other people's opinions just didn't matter to me.

Until now.

I don't know if its because my birthday is next month and these fucking birthdays seem to come faster and faster, if it's the fact I am diabetic, my disability, summer coming, or all of these things and more, but lately I am extremely insecure on how I look and how others see me. And let's be honest here folks, I look absolutely horrible. I must have been looking like a fool these past few years...walking around like I was a supermodel. Wtf was I thinking?

 I took a good look in the mirror today and I realized.....I have been hiding from the mirror. Literally hiding. Sure I used it to brush my hair and other small necessities, but I made those quick as lightning. So I took a good hard look today and I was appalled at what I saw. I was so pretty when I was younger. Now I can't even see any of that person in me. NOTHING.

Anyways, please do not leave any comments referring to me being pretty, or that I look fine. That's not why I wrote this and to be honest, I will know your lying and that will just irritate me. I am not looking for compliments, just posting how I feel and what changes my mind is going through now. Due to my disability, I have to be careful that this doesn't send me into a depression, thats my main concern at this time. I'm just shocked and disappointed that I let myself get this bad.

Bleah, so much on my mind. So much stress. Will write more later.

Peace,

Shannon