Well.....Crap.

Had to make some tough decisions this week.....the hardest one was that I had to pretty much walk away from a family member. I know that sounds harsh, and maybe it was...I don't know. There comes a time though, where you get tired of being used for what you can give. When I have something this person needs, it's all flowers and happiness and sunshine. When I am not needed for anything, then I am to blame for everything bad that happens. If they want something and I say no, I get attitude.I love this person so much, more than they realize obviously, but I just couldn't take it anymore. My health definitely can't take it anymore. The last straw was to blame me for something they did wrong. That's when I realized this person is probably not going to change ....thought I will pray every day that they do. I'm not going to lie, I am just heartbroken by all this. I am used to talking/seeing this person everyday...and because of all this I have actually lost three people by having to walk away from the one person. Just thinking about it bring me to tears. Sigh

I wish the sun would come out, maybe that would help me out of this slump I am in. I feel so alone most of the time, even if I am around people. I feel like I don't really have friends and those who claim to be really aren't, they just have ulterior motives.  No one can really understand what my disorder does to me, how it makes me feel. To most people I am just "that girl that can't travel"..."that girl who has bad teeth and is afraid of the dentist"......."that girl who is just weird". Or just, "that girl".

Guess that's all I have to say right now...and re-reading it, it sounds like a pity party which I really fucking hate. It's not a pity party, it's just how I feel. I don't want anyone saying "ohhhh I am your friend" or "gee hope things get better", I just had to get this out of my head and hopefully putting it on here will do that.

I need a pensieve, like in Harry Potter.

Shannon

Change.....

Well, it's been awhile since my last posting...sorry about that. Unfortunately there are days where I just don't want anything to do with anything, one of the joys of my disorder. Yay.

First off,  two friends of mine are moving out of state. Tomorrow is the last day I get to see them. I'm glad they are going to do better things for themselves, but I am sad that I lose them. I also found out today (on facebook, no less, which bothers me) that another family member is moving this summer. See, this is why I don't like making friends. Everyone always leaves me and due to this stupid disorder I can't fucking travel and no one wants to come here to visit. In the past 2 years I have had over 10 friends leave...I think it's time I stay in the damn house and talk to no one but immediate family, and don't welcome new neighbors.


I have been really sick this winter, worst that I have ever been in over 13 years. Fighting strep throat right now. Thankfully I have a great doctor. What I really need to do though is get the guts up to have my teeth fixed right. Much thanks to the asshole dentist who emotionally scarred me for life. Asshole.

On a brighter note, my youngest son turned 16 on Feb 10th and for a birthday gift we took him to see one of his favorite comedians, Gabriel Iglesias, on the 22nd. We were able to actually meet him and take pictures with him, so that just made his night. Was a lot of fun, and I am so glad I was able to do that for my son. He's a great kid.

So, that's where I am at right now. It's not a good place at the moment, not at all. But you always hope that tomorrow will be different, that things will be better. You hope that for once a change will come that you will like, that won't send you into a tailspin of anxiety and fear. You hope.

Shannon

Yikes. Wacky Blood Sugar And Other Issues...

I am a diabetic. I am always reading labels on food, measuring amounts of foods, or sticking myself for blood sugar readings. I got diagnosed in July of last year (7 months ago as of this writing). At that time my sugar reading was 464. I control mine (so far, and I intend to keep it this way) with diet and exercise. No pills or shots. For 6 months I have regularly stayed under 155 two hours after eating, until this past Monday night. I am not sure wtf happened, but I was at normal readings all day, ate a dinner that I have had before with no problems, and two hours later I hit 225 on the meter. Scared the shit out of me. Immediately I started chugging water and took off outside to start some brisk walking (at 9 pm in the fricking cold and rain). Within two hours I had it down to the 130's, but man that bothered me and honestly pissed me off, since I pride myself on my control using natural means with no medication. So now I am up to at least 3 long brisk walks a day, if not more. Diabetes sucks major ass.

On top of all of this I am having to deal with an ungrateful child, two friends who appear to be moving out of state soon to take a new job (sadface), a cold, sick dog, a cat who is ruining my couch by peeing on it, stupid drama that happens every fucking day in the area I live in, and eleventy billion other problems.

On the bright side, however....

I found my diabetes early and I am taking care of it as best as I can, my two friends will be better off where they are going then here, the cold is not as bad as other folks got , the drama is forced to stay on the OTHER side of my front door, and while I have a lot of problems right now there is always someone who has it much worse than I.

In other news, the avenger tshirt and avenger lego kit I ordered FOREVER ago got here today. Yay. For future reference in case anyone ever feels the need to gift me something, LEGO KITS! The bigger the better. Loves me some Legos. Helps me control the anxiety and OCD attacks :)

Peace ya'all

Shannon

Bleah

Got the cold that EVERYONE seems to have, and not really in the greatest of moods right now. I am beginning to dislike where I live....always so much drama and hate around here lately. Its like people forgot how to be nice and forgot how to love. Sometimes I am one of those people also...sometimes it seems easier to be pissy and mean when really, it's not. I wonder why that is...why sometimes we think the negative way is  easier when it isn't.

Anyways, I had a whole thing I wanted to write out today about marriage issues (not mine, we are good lol) especially infidelity but I just don't have the energy so I will leave that for another day. Or later tonight, who knows.

Peace and Love,

Shannon

Mix Of Stuff In My Head

So today marks 11 months since I quit smoking. Two and a half packs a day I was up to, and on March 6th 2012 I smoked my very last cigarette and quit cold turkey. It's kind of interesting how I did it (if you've heard this or it begins to bore you just skip to next paragraph hahaha). I knew I had to quit, my smoking was totally out of control and I was starting to show some physical repercussions from it. I decided  I would cut down in the hopes that I would eventually be able to walk away from them, so on that day in March I came up with a plan to start smoking only one cigarette an hour. My thought process was that I wanted to get down to just 4 cigs a day, then totally quit. So when I woke up on March 6th, I was ready to put that plan into place. I went outside to smoke and thought, you know, I am going to hold off and see how long I can go  before I have that first cigarette.............11 months later, to the day, I still haven't had that "first cigarette" :) Now, I'm not going to lie. I loved smoking. I miss it all the damn time. Smoking tricks your brain into feeling "relaxed", so for someone who has a severe anxiety disorder such as myself it's easy to want that feeling. However, I am so glad to be relieved of such a debilitating habit that I am able to deal with the urges.

There is so much stuff running through my brain lately, and I can't seem to get it all organized to get it down in writing at one time,  so there might be a few days here where there will be multiple blog posts in the same day. BTW, feel free to comment on any/all blog posts I write here. The only thing I ask is that your polite, and you keep commests appropriate...no racism or sexually charged comments, etc. Just use common sense :) I enjoy debate and I really don't mind a differing opinion than mine on topics (even tho yes, I know I can come off very intense on certain subjects), just don't be a dick and come off as attacking or rude. And know that even if I get upset during a debate, we are still friends :) Unless, like I said, someone starts attacking myself or another person commenting.

In other news, WALKING DEAD IN 4 DAYS! This splitting seasons in half thing pisses me off lol. I mean, if you HAVE to do it, make it a month wait or something...not this damn long. Sunday is also my son Jonathan's 16th birthday so even more reason to celebrate. We will be taking him to dinner that night and of course we will finish the day off with some zombie watching :D

Ok, off to do the million things it seems I have to do today. Hope everyone has a great day today, and I might be posting again later this afternoon. <3

Shannon

Gay marriage, why is this still an issue???

This subject is one that is near to my heart for many reasons, and is probably one of the most controversial topics around today. Though to be honest, I just don't understand why it is so controversial.

First off let me say, I don't see what the problem is with someone being LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender). Seriously. Why is this such a big deal?  I don't get why people GO OUT OF THEIR WAY to make sure that LGBT's do not have certain rights, such as marriage. I completely understand if someone doesn't agree with an alternate lifestyle for whatever reasons they may have. Not only do I understand it, I don't have a problem with it, everyone has a right to their opinion.

That being said, how exactly does someone's else alternative lifestyle affect these people who don't agree with it? Does a gay marriage somehow invalidate their male/female marriage? Does it influence their life in any way?

Of course not. If gay people get married ...nothing changes or happens to people opposed to the thought of gay marriage. The sun doesn't incinerate the earth, an asteroid doesn't all of a sudden change track and plow through our planet, it doesn't cause a "traditional" marriage to end in divorce. It does nothing other than make two people who love each other very happy.

Now let's look at the "religious" part of this. I must admit, when people start with the whole "god says Adam is to be with Eve not Steve" bullshit, I get pissed off. Let me explain exactly WHY it pisses me off.

Number one: Last I looked not a ONE of us is Jesus Christ OR his Father. You want to bring what the "bible says" into this? Fine...it also states that only HE can judge not you nor I. It also states we are to love one another, help one another. Now, I am no bible expert at all, but I have yet to see where it says "Hey, be cool to one another but them gays? Yeah, treat them like dirt". These people need to quit hiding behind religion to hate. Again, you don't have to agree or like a lifestyle, but don't go out of your way to keep others from something that you have an issue with.

So what's my point here? It's simple really....just love each other for being human beings. Who cares what is going on in the bedroom of legal consensual adults, it's really not your business. It doesn't affect your life in any way. The more people keep harping on gays not being allowed to marry because it "ruins the sanctity of marriage", the more they look like selfish assholes.

For those of you who didn't read this because it was kinda long and I was really all over the place about it, lol, here is the abbreviated version:

Don't be a dick, be nice to others.

Shannon